5 things NOT to say to an infertile couple

 My husband and I are currently facing this extremely stressful hurdle in our life right now. Since we have been very open about this issue with our friends and family, we have had a lot of "advice" and comments made with good intentions. Below are the most common things we have been told that just really should never be said to an infertile couple, along with what I'd really like to say when we hear them. Don't mind the sarcasm, that's just part of my sparkling personality. 

1.     “Just relax and it will happen.”

This is not going to help us; in fact, it can actually bring on more anxiety by making us feel like we are doing something wrong. Infertility is a medical condition and the last I checked; those can’t be cured by relaxing. Please do your research before trying to offer advice like this.

2.   “You can always do IVF/adopt.”

Oh how I wish it were only that easy! I mean, do you have twenty to sixty thousand dollars you are willing to take a gamble with? IVF cycles are not only extremely expensive, but they are also hard on your mind, body, and marriage. And in the end, they may never work. Adoption fees are outrageous and so is the screening. Even if we could afford to adopt, there is no guarantee that we would be “approved” to actually adopt. Health records, credit scores, and job history are just a few other things that are put under scrutiny. It’s extremely frustrating to hear “Just adopt”, when you know that it’s just not an option for you.

3.   “Trying is the fun part!”

Obviously you have never tried to get pregnant. I’m sorry, but

“trying” for 4 months and getting pregnant does not count. Using 7-10 expensive ovulation tests every month, taking hormones to try to make your body do what it should do naturally, planning times for sex, and getting a BIG FAT NEGATIVE pregnancy test every month for at least a year….  Please tell me again how fun that is. And that’s just the beginning.

4.   “You can have my kids.”

We do not find this funny or amusing in any way. We may give you a small laugh, but on the inside we are struggling not to slap you. Offer me your kid one more time and I’ll call a lawyer to draw up the adoption papers. We would give anything for those sleepless nights and kool-aid stains you take for granted every day.

5.   “Maybe it’s just not in God’s plan.”

I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe that it’s “God’s plan” for us to be childless when a prostitute has had 5 crack addicted babies she forgets to feed. Those are the most hurtful words anyone has ever said to me. It may be meant to be comforting, but in fact it does the opposite. Like why is someone who doesn’t love or want their children more worthy of them than we are in God’s eyes? What kind of logic is that?

Don’t offer advice about what your mother’s cousin’s neighbor’s sister did and it got her pregnant. If there is some crazy thing to try, we have probably already tried it. If you want to offer a couple comfort, you can always let them know you are there for them if they ever want to talk or vent. You can always say a prayer for the couple too. Just let them know you care and ask if there is anything you can do. Most likely there isn’t, but they will appreciate the offer. 

9 things I want my little sisters to know…..

Being an older sister is not always easy. Most days I am the no fun, bossy, judgmental one in the eyes of my littles. I know it may seem that way, but I just love them so much that maybe sometimes I am a little hard on them. After a recent "disagreement" with the youngest I realized that there are so many things I hope that they know. That got me thinking.... what a great post idea! Now, whenever my baby girls need to, they can look back and read this post and know that their sister loves them very much. I'm sure there are so many big sisters out there that feel exactly the same way! So here are 9 things I want my little sisters to know...

1.   I love you.

Unconditionally. I loved you before I knew you. No matter what life throws our way I will always love you. I know that I don’t say it enough.

2.  I am proud of you.

You have accomplished so much and you continue to inspire me every day. You show so much discipline and drive and I know you can do anything you put your mind to.

3.  You can really work my nerves.

Ugh. You irritate the hell out of me sometimes, but please know that it doesn’t ever mean that I don’t love you or want you around anymore. I will always need you.

4.  He will never be good enough for you.

It doesn’t matter if he’s a neurosurgeon or an astronaut, there will never be a man good enough for one of my sisters. Even if I like him, I will always second guess his motives and worry if he’ll break your heart. Heaven forbid if that day comes, I hope youo know you can always count on me to hide his body or be a shoulder to cry on.

5.  I hope you learn from my mistakes.

Lord knows I have made so many of them. And, you can always talk to me about them. I am an open book. Anything to keep you from the heartaches that I have put myself through.

6.   You are beautiful and you are worthy.

I know there are days you won’t feel like this is true, but I promise you it is.

7.  I’ve got your back.

We may not always see eye to eye, but when push comes to shove, I’m here for you. I will give you advice whenever you ask for it or just be a good listener for those times that you don’t. All of the  uncertainties in this world can really wear on you, I know, I’ve been there. Shit, most days I’m still there. Point is, whatever you need from me, you’ve got it.

8.  You are stronger than you know.

When your world comes crashing in on you understand that you WILL be just fine. I know that it’s overwhelming sometimes. I also know what a strong and powerful young woman you are. The world is not going to end and neither are you. You will get through it, maybe not with “beauty and grace”, but you will get through it all the same.

9.   I look up to you.

Don’t laugh…I’m being serious. You are so wise beyond your years and a lot more mature than I ever was at your age. You have goals and ambitions and you are kicking ass to make sure you reach them. I know I can always count on you, no matter how long it’s been since the last time I saw you. You are so amazing and I love you so much.