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WTH am I suppose to do now?

I kept thinking that if I woke up each day and "chose happiness" then by putting good vibes into the world  my life would tart to turn around for the better. Well, life just bitch slapped me back into reality. I had almost two whole days this weekend where I felt normal and even though I was hurting this morning when I woke up I was still happy and thankful for those two days. Then my phone rang... and suddenly my positive attitude and good vibes couldn't save me. I didn't have to worry about getting up for work, because I no longer had a job. I wasn't the only one either. The worst part is, I loved my job. I was damn good at it too! It's not like I was fired for being lazy or because I sucked at it. I was laid off because they lost their biggest contract and the company no longer has the funds to keeps myself, and some others, on the payroll. 

We pay almost $400 biweekly so that I can have the health insurance I need for whatever is wrong with me. That and groceries is all my job could pay for and were still barely skating by. Now what are we supposed to do? It's not like I can file for disability when my joke of a doctor hasn't figured out what the hell is wrong with me. She's more interested in trying to be my drug dealer than anything else. No diagnosis means no government assistance. I'm not healthy enough to go get a normal 9-5 job outside of the home. My husband felt like he had to carry it all on his shoulders before I even lost my job... how is he going to feel now? Is he going to start to resent me like I've seen in so many other marriages... when I keep pulling him further and further into debt with my mystery disease and inability to work a regular job? 

I keep thinking, how will we stay afloat? Keep the house? Pay for food? There are so many what ifs and uncertainties flowing through my head right now. The one thing I do know, is I'm a fighter. I may go down, but I will go down swinging. My husband and I were planning to invest in a really good camera in the next couple of months to earn some extra money with photography, but how do I convince him to still give it a shot?  Or at least invest in getting my real estate license like I asked him at the beginning of the year? The way I see it,  you either take a leap of faith or you surrender to defeat. What other option is there? We can't survive on his income alone and true work from home jobs are hard to come by. I'm not a pyramid scheme kinda girl either. I just don't see selling the same stuff every stay at home mom sells is going to get me very far. There's not even a client base because everyone already sells it. My crafting side "business" makes next to nothing, but then again I haven't really invested much time and money into it. I have mostly been doing it for fun. 

I have no freaking idea what I'm going to do at this point. Today I'm just trying to keep from feeling like such a failure. That's a dangerous place to let a mind go. For now I'm going to say a little prayer. Hopefully after a little of vodka and a good night's sleep, things will look better in the morning. 

Today I will choose happiness

I have really been slacking lately and I apologize. Sometimes life gets a little crazy and time gets away from me. All the sudden I look up and two whole weeks has passed! Hopefully I will get my act together over the next couple of days. 
I feel like I have been really uninspired and unmotivated as of late. I started the pain journal and I hated it. Who really wants to read all that depressing crap? Hell, I don't even want to write it! Sitting here tonight I realized I need to stop focusing on what is wrong with me and start focusing on what's right and the rest will follow. All of the negativity needs to be purged from my life. No one can do that for me and if I do nothing, then nothing will change. I have to make the decision each and every day, that no matter how I feel or what is thrown my way, today will be a good day. I will choose to be happy today. 
I think at some point or another we all get so caught up in the details of our lives that we forget to enjoy ourselves. Ourselves, our jobs, our kids, our spouses, and our God. We all need a reminder at times that we can't control the world, but we can control how we chose to react to it. And today, I choose happiness.