5 things NOT to say to an infertile couple

 My husband and I are currently facing this extremely stressful hurdle in our life right now. Since we have been very open about this issue with our friends and family, we have had a lot of "advice" and comments made with good intentions. Below are the most common things we have been told that just really should never be said to an infertile couple, along with what I'd really like to say when we hear them. Don't mind the sarcasm, that's just part of my sparkling personality. 

1.     “Just relax and it will happen.”

This is not going to help us; in fact, it can actually bring on more anxiety by making us feel like we are doing something wrong. Infertility is a medical condition and the last I checked; those can’t be cured by relaxing. Please do your research before trying to offer advice like this.

2.   “You can always do IVF/adopt.”

Oh how I wish it were only that easy! I mean, do you have twenty to sixty thousand dollars you are willing to take a gamble with? IVF cycles are not only extremely expensive, but they are also hard on your mind, body, and marriage. And in the end, they may never work. Adoption fees are outrageous and so is the screening. Even if we could afford to adopt, there is no guarantee that we would be “approved” to actually adopt. Health records, credit scores, and job history are just a few other things that are put under scrutiny. It’s extremely frustrating to hear “Just adopt”, when you know that it’s just not an option for you.

3.   “Trying is the fun part!”

Obviously you have never tried to get pregnant. I’m sorry, but

“trying” for 4 months and getting pregnant does not count. Using 7-10 expensive ovulation tests every month, taking hormones to try to make your body do what it should do naturally, planning times for sex, and getting a BIG FAT NEGATIVE pregnancy test every month for at least a year….  Please tell me again how fun that is. And that’s just the beginning.

4.   “You can have my kids.”

We do not find this funny or amusing in any way. We may give you a small laugh, but on the inside we are struggling not to slap you. Offer me your kid one more time and I’ll call a lawyer to draw up the adoption papers. We would give anything for those sleepless nights and kool-aid stains you take for granted every day.

5.   “Maybe it’s just not in God’s plan.”

I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe that it’s “God’s plan” for us to be childless when a prostitute has had 5 crack addicted babies she forgets to feed. Those are the most hurtful words anyone has ever said to me. It may be meant to be comforting, but in fact it does the opposite. Like why is someone who doesn’t love or want their children more worthy of them than we are in God’s eyes? What kind of logic is that?

Don’t offer advice about what your mother’s cousin’s neighbor’s sister did and it got her pregnant. If there is some crazy thing to try, we have probably already tried it. If you want to offer a couple comfort, you can always let them know you are there for them if they ever want to talk or vent. You can always say a prayer for the couple too. Just let them know you care and ask if there is anything you can do. Most likely there isn’t, but they will appreciate the offer.